Poems for July 15

July 15, 2012 § Leave a comment

Two Poems

life without the internet

i would be moderately overweight and probably would have graduated college on time

i would talk to more people and spend less time analyzing conversations

i would have higher self-esteem but feel less inclined to question my purpose in life

i don’t know how many boyfriends i would have had, but definitely wouldn’t have had one in particular

i might get pleasure from telling myself i was addicted to something

i would write sci-fi stories about the apocalypse or cat-faced humans

maybe i would be happier if i had unlimited resources and lived something like tom clancy’s life

but i don’t want to be tom clancy

tom clancy probably wears a baseball hat when he has sex

people who own tom clancy books might sometimes accidentally see his name on a book while they’re having sex

that might make them like tom clancy more

*

it is christmas

five employees attended my work’s christmas party at a bar

i ate peanuts and tried to hear what people were saying

i think i am going to have smallish relationships which last from two months to two years for the rest of my life

small yet significant changes in my personality occur during periods of two months to two years

maybe that’s how relationships should happen

when i was 18-19 and lived in a dorm in chicago i sometimes got drunk and yelled in the stairway, ‘i’m horny, i want to have sex, someone come here, i give good blowjobs, are you attractive, i am attractive, come here.’ seems really lame and bizarre, i’m glad it never worked

within the next four years, i predict steadily not responding to any okcupid messages but also never deleting my okcupid account

on the ‘what is the most private thing you are willing to admit?’ question on my profile i said ‘i don’t like dave eggers’

when i think ‘dave eggers’ in my head it’s in the same tone of voice jerry seinfeld uses to say ‘hello newman’

at work i wanted to start saying ‘newman’ every time something went wrong but i always forgot to do it

-Megan Boyle, from selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee (muumuu house, 2011)

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